The Daily Gut
MONDAY\'S GREGALOGUE: THE COFFIN COMMENT - Okay. The video I\'m about to show you is like a parking garage of creepiness: wrong on every damn level. It\'s President Obama at a Washington fundraiser last week. He\'s soaring high onhealth care rhetoric, when he brings up a dead campaign worker. Well, actually he brings up himself. Pay attention, not just to him, but how the audience responds. If you\'re a cow, it\'ll turn all four of your stomachs. (roll tape) It takes a lot to give me the willies. But you know what? That gave me the willies. And also scurvy, rickets and the bird flu. Some times you come across something a politician says that is so beyond comprehension, you start wondering if he might be losing it. Now, I\'ve never said that about Obama. Unlike the jeering libs who regularly devoured George Bush over his stuttering syntax, I always chose to focus on what Obama says, instead of how he says it. Which is why, maybe, the big O is so much scarier than Bush. Consider what he did at that fundraiser. -He remembers the Obama shirt, but not the name of the woman wearing it. Gross? Creepy? Try a combination of both: Greepy. -Once again, he used the deceased to make a political point. I hate this crap, because the goal is to use anexample of loss or suffering to prevent those who disagreefrom raising an objection. It makes me think we were too hard on John Edwards. After all, he just chased ambulances. This guy is chasing hearses. -He made it all about him. While the rest of the world wrongly focused on Rahm Emmanuel\'s \"retarded\" comment - this is where the real outrage lies. Obama brings up the final moments of a woman\'s life, and feels compelled to insert himself there. This reflects a gaping narcissism whoseghoulishness is only matched by the adulating guffaws of a cackling audience. It\'s so gross, maybe it is funny. And if you disagree with me, you\'re probably a racist homophobe who hates dead people. Read More
MONDAY\'S GUESTS! - GLOGUE, TO COME! Read More
FRIDAY\'S GUESTS! - G-LOGUE TO ARRIVE SHORTLY! Read More
THURSDAY\'S GREGALOGUE: STEWART VS. O\'REILLY - So Bill O\'Reilly had Jon Stewart on his program last night, and as expected, tempers flared. Roll Tape. ((PAUSE FOR SOT OF GIRLS PILLOW FIGHTING)) Wow, it looks like the one in the oversized football jersey took a pretty big hit. But if you think things calmed down, you were wrong. ((PAUSE FOR MORE GIRLS PILLOW FIGHTING)) Yep, it was an entertaining spectacle, with Stewart and O\'Reilly both scoring legitimate points. However, I take issue with one thing Stewart said. Sorry, I mean everything. First, he made a big deal about Fox News laying off President Bush,while now it lays into Obama.This, friends, is nuttier than squirrel poop. While Bush was president, he was trashed by a left wing posse who delighted in military defeat, for it meant their side was winning. To them, \"dissent was patriotic,\" even if it meant dead troops. Fox wasn\'t ignoring Bush\'s actions, it was reacting to that - what I would later call the \"patriotic terrorist.\" I witnessed a fully realized anti-American lynch mob, who would rather win an election than a war - and that made me more of a conservative than 9/11, my life at Berkeley, or all those head injuries combined. Wanna see proof of my point? Ask yourself, wherethe feverish anti-war movement is,now that Obama is in power? Lastly, Stewart\'s got to stop whining about Fox Newstilting to the right. The New York Times just ran a piece pointing out the dearth of conservatives in journalism, theater, therapy and academia. You\'ve got a Democratic House, a Democratic Senate, a Democrat for a President, a liberal media, a leftwing Hollywood, a liberal art and music culture - you\'ve got it all. And you\'re mad Fox News isn\'t playing ball? What happened to that whole \"dissent is patriotic\" crap? It seems Fox News only looks right, because everything else is left. Anyway, I wish I could have said this to Stewart in person. But I\'m not allowed near him. You send a tube sock full of bird seed and nude photos, and suddenly they think you\'re a threat! Read More
THURSDAY\'S GUESTS - Gregalogue to come, my little friends! Read More
WEDNESDAY\'S GREGALOGUE: CELEBRITIES WHO MAKE KIDS SICK - So the Lancet, a British medical journal named after a really sharp object, retracted a horrible study attempting to link measle vaccines to autism. Now this would really be great news, if the study had not come out, oh, 12 years ago. It\'s really scary that it took a medical journal over a decade to admit what nearly everyone else with a working brain knew: the study had more gaping holes in it than Tom Sizemore\'s septum. But sadly, although the study author has also been discredited for this harmful crud, it doesn\'t matter. People who believe in junk science will continue to believe in junk science, because their egos won\'t allow any other option. And so they will continue preaching to parents a dangerous and false belief that ends up killing kids. I speak of Jenny McCarthy, Jim Carrey, and all the saps at the Huffington Post who by their own earnest idiocy, misled the public into skipping vaccinations. The potential result: measles outbreaks all over the globe - and ultimately, dead kids. It\'s hard to make jokes about that, so I won\'t. But I will make jokes about gasbags like Carrey and McCarthy, two cretins who can\'t be content simply making us sick to our stomachs with their work - they also gotta make our kids sick with ego-driven medical advice. Now, I\'m not a celebrity, but here\'s my medical advice for this sort of behavior: whenever a star offers an opinion on important health matters - citing flawed studies they know a nearly comatose Larry King won\'t bother checking - they should be given a vaccination of their own. It should be full of lead and shot straight up their ass. And if you disagree with me, you\'re probably Arianna Huffington. Read More
WEDNESDAY\'S GUESTS! - gregalogue, to come, so relax! Read More
TUESDAY\'S GREGALOGUE: CUCKOO FOR HUGO - So here\'s a fun quiz! What do celebrities like Sean Penn, Susan Sarandon, Benecio Del Toro, Danny Glover, Naomi Campbell and Oliver Stone all have in common? Was it sex with Punxsutawney Phil? No, but you\'re close. All of these stars have had their pictures taken and/or partied with Hugo Chavez: their happy faces cheek to mottled cheek with the latest trend in socialist splendor. He is after all, proof that it can happen! The third way! A new Castro! An anti-capitalist David, taking down that Yankee Goliath! Being around him, means you\'re more than just an overpaid movie star, you\'re an overpaid movie star who matters. So I gotta wonder. Where are these jackasses now? Well, in the past few weeks we\'ve seen Chavez blame America for the Haitian earthquake - furious, I imagine, over having to watch Marines save lives, while he farts into a hemorrhoid pillow. And then of course, he\'s nationalized a grocery chain, devalued currency, and beaten the crap out of his own citizens. As police fire tear gas and rubber bullets at innocent protestors (who always knew that Chavez\'s anti-Americanism was just a cloak to hide his authoritarian rule, economic incompetence and profound halitosis), I ask again: where is Hollywood? Why hasn\'t Penn come out and condemned Chavez for insulting our compassionate military? And what of Glover - surely an earthquake machine is even too far-fetched for his goofy mind? And how about Naomi Campbell - surely she could take a moment from beating her assistants, to tell Hugo to lighten up. But I expect too much. After all, these are celebrities - they treat political issues like Fendi handbags - a stylish flourish to hide their shallowness and the insecurity it breeds. And, really: coming out against a tyrant won\'t earn you points with James Cameron - so why bother. Hell, those protestors deserve it anyway. They don\'t even shop at Fred Segal! Read More
Tuesday\'s guests! - g-logue to arrive shortly Read More
monday\'s gregalogue: When an expert is not an expert - So every day another embarrassing revelation exposes climate change experts as confused bumble-heads. The latest? Apparently the UN panel on climate change based recent conclusions regarding vanishingice from mountain topson anecdotes found in a \"mountaineering\" magazine. Now, this would be hilarious, if it wasn\'t for the fact that quadrillions of dollars are at stake. (And just so you know: quadrillions can buy a lot of unicorn porn.) I\'m not going to use this latest revelation to hammer these \"experts,\" even though they\'d do that to a \"skeptic\" like me, if they had the chance. I just want to nail two key points: *this news shows exactly why climate change researchers must release data and reveal methods. If they have nothing to hide, then their work\'s credibilitywill only increase. The fact that they\'re trying to avoid that makes me think they\'re basing their data on articles from Cosmo. FYI: global warming can and does make it harder to find your g-spot, says Darla, age 23, data analyst. *There are few real experts on climate change -only pawns used to justify policies that will inevitably sodomize our economy. By the way, I include myself as a non-expert. I was an English major, who spent the last twenty years drunk, shirtless and weeping. But this is a good thing: whether you think humans cause global warming or not, we\'re all in this boat of ignorance together, and therefore should be more tolerant of opposing views. If so-called experts are culling mountain ice data from Penthouse Letters (apparently melting glaciers totally cause chicks to remove their tops faster, says Vic, 25, a pizza deliveryman), then we are all so-called experts. That should make you happy. And if it doesn\'t, then you\'re probably a planet-hating racist homophobe who eats polar bears for breakfast. Read More
MONDAY\'S GUESTS! - G-logue to come Read More
FRIDAY\'S GREGALOGUE: OSAMA\'S GREEN PLAN! - So what happens when the world\'s worst person agrees with you on a contentious issue? Well, it should make you reconsider your view, on said contentious issue. You\'dthink that, anyway. Take Osama bin Laden, who, in a very eloquent and articulate message just released on audiotape, warns us of the dangers of global warming - blaming the US and other industrialized countries for rising temperatures. He says, the only way to stop climate change, is to employ drastic solutions to help bring our economy to a halt. He added that the world should boycott American products, and have more sex with goats. Now what\'s entertaining about this latest message isn\'t that Osama wants to have sex with goats (we knew that already), but how his environmental message fits so seamlessly with all that relentless blather heard at the Copenhagen climate conference. My God, he could have been an advisor on \"An Inconvenient Truth,\" a featured blogger at the Huffington Post, or command the midnight slot on MSNBC (he\'d get better ratings). His opinions so perfectly reflect those entities, you\'d think he\'d be a natural choice for the Media Matter\'s advisory board. And yes, I believe they have an opening and you know they\'re okay with the goat thing. Anyway, when a person finds out that a mass murderer shares his beliefs, shouldn\'t he then rethink his beliefs? Shouldn\'t Al Gore finally admit that his extreme climate change dogma is more anti-human than pro-planet - when the man responsible for killing thousands of innocent people turns out to be a big fan? Eh. Maybe that truth is too inconvenient. And if you disagree with me, you\'re probably a racist pedophile who doesn\'t recycle. Read More
friday\'s guests! - g-logue to come Read More
THURSDAY\'S GREGALOGUE: THE AFTERSCHOOL ASSEMBLY - So, everyone had a State of the Union drinking game. Mine? Once Obama started talking, I drank. See, to me, the speech came and went like one of those \"serious\" high school assemblies: you know, when a teacher finds out about a student defacing a locker with unicorn stickers, she decides we all need to sit in a humid gym for an hour and be told \"it\'s okay to be different.\" But in case you missed the speech, here\'s my summary: \"We face challenges, IT\'S NOT MY FAULT - but that\'s what makes us great.\" Try that on a losing football team. The point is, even though he never mentioned GWB, he more than alluded to the poor guy, constantly reminding us how Obie inherited this mess. Sorry dude, it\'s been a year - it\'s your mess now, and you\'re making it messier. Obama also spent a lot of time blaming his problems on vile partisanship. But how can it be partisanship, when one party rules everything? Mr. President, these are your people. The Republicans eat Thanksgiving dinner in the kitchen. Don\'t blame them. If anything, real partisanship would make you a stronger President. Anyway, here are some other thoughts from yours truly (i.e., me)... *I don\'t care how cool the president is, watching members of Congress scrambling for autographs afterwards seems a tad cheesy. It\'s not like he\'s Erik Estrada. No one is like Erik Estrada. * An hour into speech, \"security\" finally makes a cameo. Summary: stop making it an issue, already. *Apparently if you become a public servant, you will be able to dump your student loans. This is not what I would call a rallying cry for a generation. *I\'m glad Joe got his whitening strips back. It helped deflect the shine off his forehead. *Female Democrats dress like real estate agents. It made me wonder, do they also have their pictures on their business cards? It might be a nice touch. But, here\'s what drives me batty like a big fat bat. Check out this part of Obama\'s speech: \"From the day I took office, I\'ve been told that addressing our larger challenges is too ambitious, such an effort would be too contentious. I\'ve been told that our political system is too gridlocked, and that we should just put things on hold for a while. For those who make these claims, I have one simple question: How long should we wait? How long should America put its future on hold? \" Okay: Obama keeps bringing up these mysterious people who keep telling him what to do and what not to do. Which begs the question: Who\'s he talking to who keeps giving him this great advice that he keeps ignoring? It seems to me, If he had listened to them, we\'d all be better off. But that\'s just me. Not you. Be thankful for that. Read More
THURSDAY\'S GUESTS - Gregalogue to come! Read More
MONDAY\'S GREGALOGUE: WEEKEND WEASELS - If you\'re like me, and congratulations if you are, then you try to enjoy your weekends. For example, I spent last Saturday in bed, watching my favorite soaps, eating donut holes basted in Nyquil. I call them happy holes - after seven of them, you think you\'re an Angoran rabbit. And this leads me to a key life lesson: Nyquil rules. But also: you know you\'ve truly succeeded in life when your adversaries aren\'t having fun on their weekends. When someone who hates you spends their Saturdays consumed by hating you, then you can safely say, you\'ve won - without even raising a finger. I mention this because I received a press release, on Saturday...yes, on Saturday...from none other than Media Matters. Yep. Instead of playing t-ball with their kids (or their ferrets dressed as kids), this outlet of internal misery just had to publish a press release about Fox News\'s coverage of Haiti. Yep, while everyone else tries to do actual stuff - Media Matters is still using the earthquake to hammer its number one enemy/one true love. The press release came to me on my Blackberry, and it filled me with sadness. I wanted to inviteMedia Mattersover for paninis. I\'d justwon a grill in a raffle, and have been dying to try it out (on food, this time). But instead, here\'s some advice, double M: the weekends are for your family, your hobbies, your festering addiction to prescription meds. It\'s not for obsessing over adversaries. And you should notice a trend by now: the more you whine, the higher Fox News climbs. I can\'t imagine how lonely you must be right now. But I bet robot theater can. (Roll Robot Theater!) Read More
monday\'s guests! - gregalogue to come! Read More
FRIDAY\'S GREGALOGUE: - So apparently a Michigan defense contractor has pissed off Muslim groups, by inscribing coded Biblical references on rifles it sells to the American military. The Washington-based Council on American-Islamic Relations claims these religious references send a \"negative message\" to the Muslim world. To quote Dolly Parton, here we go again. Groups like CAIR rarely have their priorities in place -they\'re always \"reacting angrily\" to perceived slights or hypothetical backlashes - when they really should be reacting angrily to those who commit atrocities in the name of Islam. But you know who really gets my gopher? Mikey Weinstein, president of the Military Religious Freedom Foundation. He says the gun sights not only give our enemies a propaganda tool, but adds, \"I don\'t have to wonder ... how the American public would react if citations from the Koran were being inscribed onto these U.S. armed forces gun sights instead.\" Now, I believe Weinstein has lost more marbles than a blind man playing Kerplunk. Whether or not bible references should be on rifles is a decent debate, butthey willnever lead to extremist-driven violence.Terrorists, however,always champion their radical Islamiccode -and the Ft. Hood shooter more than connected that dot before slaughtering innocent Americans. But even the most radical Christians don\'t fly planes into buildings. Butlook, American soldiers usually shoot terrorists well before they get close enough to see these bible references, anyway. That alone should prevent hurt feelings. Read More
FRIDAY\'S GUESTS! - Remember to also catch me on the O\'Reilly Factor tonight! Read More
THURSDAY\'S GREGALOGUE: BLOTTING OUT THE DOTS - So while Republicans rejoiced over a huge victory in Massachusetts, a far biggerwin took place at the Pentagon. The winner, sadly, was political correctness - that infectious mist of brainlessness that turns normal men into Jell-O. A bastard child of identity politics and the self-esteem movement, political correctness is an ideology based on avoidance of hurt feelings - and its ability to render humans into thoughtless automatons makes \"Invasion of the Body Snatchers\" look like \"Mamma Mia.\" I am speaking of the Fort Hood Report, which the U.S. military\'s just released, detailing the shooting that left 13 dead. In the 86 page thingy, here\'s what you won\'t find: the name of the killer, or his Muslim faith. The dudes who did the review argue that those pieces of information aren\'t important - their concern is more with \"actions and effects, not...with motivations.\" Here in Sanity Village, we call this \"super duper crazy talk.\" Cuz, you know, if there\'s one thing I learned from Obama the candidate -is how important root causes are. You remember: before calling someone evil,you need to firstunderstand their motivations. True, root causes aretroubling, because it\'s applied only when Obama and others feel comfortable with its conclusions. If the killer was a fundamentalist Christian, his right wing rage would be hammered home. Janet Napolitano created an entire report on such matters. That was quaint.But in Hassan\'s case, pointing out motives only hurts feelings. Citing Islamic extremism as a culprit will simply upset more Muslims, so the P.C. thing to do is to leave it out. It\'s one of those \"dots\" we keep hearing about - but instead of \"connecting,\" we\'re just covering it up with Liquid Paper. They still make that crap, right? Read More
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